Thursday, June 23, 2011

You Say You Want A (Sexual) Revolution...

Normally when asked the age-old question, “What came first the chicken or the egg?” I give the obvious response, Who cares they’re both delicious! However, this possibly unanswerable question takes on a useful meaning when applied to the current sexual status of our country, if not the world. Seemingly, every day we are hearing about a new sex scandal involving cheating, pornography, or some weird fetish that hadn’t been invented any more than a year ago. What used to be reserved for damp basements or vivid imaginations is now commonplace in our society. So what came first, the chicken or the egg? Has society—with their boobs on TV and Rihanna’s songs about S&M-- turned us into a bunch of sexual miscreants or have we always been this way and technology and lowered societal standards have finally allowed us to unleash our inner perv?

In today's society, asking who came first is an invitation
for someone to make a bad sexual pun.
Look around you. That man sexting on his phone behind you in line at the bank isn’t chatting with his girlfriend. That guy speeding past you on the freeway is in a rush to get home so he can masturbate with strangers on Skype before his wife gets back from picking up the kids. That buff dude with the snap off pants and tank top walking down the street in Chatsworth is on his way to shoot his first porn scene. It will be available for free on the Internet in 427 different 30-second clips and he’ll get paid $50 and whatever he wants from Wendy’s. Enjoy!

All of these naughty proclivities have one thing in common: Technology. Texts and Twitter. Plastic vagina molds and Japanese Sex dolls. Webcam loving and hook up websites solely for married folks. What happened to good ol’ banging the milkman or the secretary? Most people accept the fact that marriage and one sexual partner can grow boring without working hard at keeping it fresh. But it seems now even typical sexual cheating has lost its excitement for most people. They’re bored of their wives. They're bored of their mistresses. And when that happens, like a date with a girl from Craigslist, you know things are gonna get weird. 
If you think she's attractive now, wait til you try her stir fry!
While the ways we have sex have changed—as well as the ways we get caught when the tryst is an inappropriate one—are we as humans truly different?  Of course there weren’t kinky cavemen trolling the Internet looking for any woman with a bottle of lube and a noose, but that doesn’t mean he only did missionary. So, what came first, the chicken or the egg? Have we led ourselves down this naughty path to Sodom and Gonorrhea or have all of these desires, impulses and tendencies always existed in the human experience? 

The first Kama Sutra book.
It’s a certainty that many of our neighbors, teachers, friends, coworkers, priests and significant others are partaking in sexual indiscretions, but to help analyze this situation, let’s focus on a few of the more high profile cases we all know about: Tiger Woods, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Anthony Weiner. 

While Woods and Weiner were brought down by technology (text messages and twitter posts), Arnold’s fate was sealed with evidence of the more traditional and less permanent variety (a love child). While it’s easy to assume that these 3 powerful men simply abused their high positions in society to woo women, we must again apply the chicken or egg question. Did these slime balls already have these sexual urges and seek power in life in order to have a better chance at fulfilling them, or did they change into sexually obsessed men once they had achieved their status and realized the benefits that came with it?

To answer this question, let’s look at what they actually did. Arnold fucked the maid. Weiner didn’t really even cheat on his wife, he just sent pictures of his junk to women on the internet, and Tiger confused a golfer’s desire for a low number on the scorecard for a low rating on a hook up’s appearance. I mean, he was married to a Swedish model and he was banging waitresses from the Waffle House. Do these indiscretions seem like the type of goals only achievable by powerful politicians and athletes? I can send anyone a picture of my privates. Seriously. What’s your number? And I bet with the right amount of charm I could even score a Motel 6 maid or an IHOP waitress. Wow, imagine a life of endless sex, towels and pancakes. What more do you need?

IHOP... 4 implants and a dozen wings away from being Hooters.
Point is, these guys weren’t abusing their power to score with super models or celebrities. They were all married men looking to have sex with… for lack of better term… anyone other than their wives. They were bored. And that has been an issue married couples (and even single men and women) have been dealing with since the beginning of monogamy.

They say that behind every great man is a great woman. While that’s very often true, it’s just as common that on top of every great man is a mediocre looking whore. Think about it. Bill Clinton had Monica Lewinsky. Charlie Sheen decided on a couple of average looking porn stars. Hugh Grant cheated on Liz Hurley with a nasty hooker. It’s true, men need power to gain access to the elite things in life. Clubs. Restaurants. Beautiful women. But the ladies involved in these sexual scandals are in no way elite.

Because of this, I argue that before they gained an ounce of power in life, before they received one single vote, or shot one blockbuster film, or held their first championship trophy, these guys were all average to below average men who wanted nothing more than to feel socially accepted by women. And even once their raised status in life brought them beautiful, intelligent, loving wives, the chip on their penises that remained from years of feeling insignificant, unwanted, and powerless with women made them go out and keep trying to score. They are still that scared, insecure 15-year old that was rejected by their crush, only now they have the ability to get revenge.

Does this look like a man thinking clearly?
While I agree that these guys who cheat on their wives are the sleaziest of the sleazy, one must also take into consideration the state of mind a person must be in to follow through with their infidelity. Picture Anthony Weiner. Sitting down after a long day on the Hill. His wife won’t be home for a few hours. He’s got his favorite lotion. The candles are lit. He pulls out a crinkled Playboy from 1983 and realizes, Wait a second, there’s gotta be a better way! So he gets online and finds a treasure trove of porn. (Again, chicken or the egg: Is 99% of Internet traffic for porn because we are sex obsessed? Or are we sex obsessed because there is so much porn? As with any business model, I would argue that demand is what influences supply. If markets started carrying tons of broccoli, Americans wouldn’t start eating it more. But if every teenager went home and wanted to devour broccoli 3 times a night and once in the morning before school, grocers would stock the shelves.) 

While Weiner looks at all of this Internet porn he discovers new sites where he can interact with women. Where he can send them pictures of his bulging underwear or his creepy pectorals. Before he knows it, the chemicals in his brain are racing, his heart is pounding, his underwear are growing, and suddenly he has sent a college girl a picture of himself dressed in drag. Now I’m not defending this behavior, but as we all know, when a man is getting sexually riled up, he doesn’t make the best decisions.

I mean look at Arnold’s situation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a little Latin flavor in the bedroom to keep things spicy, but this woman looked like she had been using her own face to mop the floors. Not to mention she got pregnant. Though I’m sure Arnold’s sperm are buff and all, I have to assume this means that he didn’t wrap it before he slapped it. Does that sound like a man using logic and common sense or does it sound like a horny 15-year old about to lose his V-card to the hot cheerleader?

At least their kid won't be weird looking...
Again, this phenomenon has been with us forever.  It’s chemical. It’s as much a part of a man’s physical make up as adrenaline pumping through our veins in a dangerous situation. If anything, men in the past were probably worse at controlling their impulses than men of today. It’s just that men of today are caught more often because the technology that enables them also helps expose them.

While it’s clear that many perverts, scum bags and sexual deviants walk among us, one would be hard pressed to blame technology for what appears to be a revolution with how we have sex and how we cheat. Sure a laptop brings everything we want to our (finger)tips and makes access easier. But as they say in Jurassic Park, “Life finds a way.” And if a man wants to cheat, once the seed has been planted in his horny little mind, it’s going to grow, whether Twitter is there to water it or not. Men in power have been sneaking around on their wives forever, they just didn’t have a 24-hour news cycle to expose and shame them. There’s nothing we can do to avoid electing officials, rooting for athletes, or idolizing movie stars who are going to eventually cheat on their wives. All we can do is live up to our own personal standards, and if and when we are tempted to flirt, sext, or all out fuck a person who is not the one we are committed to, we need to decide what type of person we want to be. Because in the end we can’t blame technology or society or our heroes for the mistakes we make, we can only blame ourselves. We are the chicken and the egg.

Alright, time to masturbate!


  1. "imagine a life of endless sex, towels and pancakes. What more do you need?" haha! sounds like a fulfilling life!

  2. I wonder if all the famous female politicians/actresses/athletes(?)are better at hiding their cheating...guys are gamblers when it comes to sex!