Thursday, March 3, 2011

Cheat Sheet

A friend of mine was recently cheated on by his girlfriend of a year. He was stunned. I was not. This girl had many of the characteristics that women who eventually cheat on their significant other have. While it's probably rude to tell a friend "Hey your girlfriend is probably going to stray, you should reconsider moving in together," maybe you can just forward him this list of characteristics that I believe are usually found in ladies who cheat. And as with all stereotypes, these are 100% accurate.

Don't let this happen to you...

Top 10 ways you know your girlfriend will eventually cheat on you:

1. She sleeps with you on the first date. Most girls know, that if they are looking for something serious to develop with a guy, not to sleep with him the first time you hang out. A guy is pretty much always going to try to get laid immediately, it's just the way we're wired. But if a girl does this it means she does not have the self-control to stop herself when she's physically interested in someone, even if the consequences will be something different than what she wants. This lack of self-control will eventually rear it's ugly head sometime during your relationship and she will make a mistake with another guy.

2. She is better looking than you and not financially reliant on you. Never trust a hot girl who says she loves a guy with a good sense of humor. They love attractive men or rich men. If you don't have one or both, she will eventually upgrade to someone who does. No matter how funny you are.

Just close your eyes and dream of money. 
3. She is under 20 and you are over 30No explanation necessary. You're creepy and when she cheats with the guy down the hall in her dorm, you deserve it. 

4. She has fake boobs. A girl who gets fake boobs can say it's so she feels sexy inside, but really her feeling of inner sexiness is determined by outside recognition of that sexiness. Sure you can say you got implants so you can finally wear a shirt that shows cleavage. But what's the point of cleavage without guys to ogle over it?

Would you trust this girl as much
as she trusted her plastic surgeon?
5. She brings up, jokingly or not, involving someone else in your sex life. Even if she wants to bring in another girl, this is a red flag for your relationship. Whoever she wants to bring in, the fact of the matter is, you aren't enough.

6. She doesn't have any female friends. This means that girls don't like her and guys do. Pretty girls like to contend that other girls are just jealous and these "would be friends" are tired of all the guys only hitting on the pretty one. But if the pretty girls did a sufficient job of steering away the guys into the arms of their less-attractive entourage, maybe the jealous uglies wouldn't dislike them so much. In truth, the pretty girl is probably an attention whore, a trait that usually leads to cheating. Especially when she uses her looks as a built-in excuse to only hang out with guys.

7. She was a virgin when she met you.  She's always going to wonder what it's like with another guy. Even if you're Justin Timberlake.

You don't have to be crazy to cheat on JT...
But it helps. 
8. She has a male friend she talks about a lot. If she's always bringing up a guy at work she has lunch with or her friend's brother who always crashes girls' night or her Swedish gym trainer named Hans who she can't believe doesn't have a girlfriend, it's because she's picturing their faces while you make boring love to her.

9. She has an STD and you don't. You cannot catch them from sitting on a public toilet.

10. She is more focused on getting married than having a career. When she falls asleep at night she's dreaming of a man to complete her life, rather than fulfilling her potential on her own. People like this will always be missing something on the inside and the second that you no longer fill that emptiness, someone else will. With their penis.

I'm sure there are more traits that I haven't noticed or that I'm forgetting, but I think that's a good start and ten is a nice round number. I would love to make this same list but about guys and help some of you ladies out, but guys are all slutty pigs and really there are no signs to look for to anticipate who might be a cheater and who might be faithful. We don't even know what we're capable of. So it's a roll of the dice with all of us.

If I could leave you all with one piece of advice, guy or girl, if you aren't happy in your relationship don't be a selfish prick and cheat, just end it and move on. It's better for everyone. Except for Hans.


  1. You definitely need to start reading my buddy Adam's blog....

  2. Another big one is when the relationship is based on a lot of sex. No matter how much you both care about each other, the fact of the matter is that if you both have the same sex drive, sooner or later your will get bored with one another.

  3. SLUT!

    Sadly, these are probably true. Except for #10. No woman wants to be the old maid.

  4. I agree with Darlene - all true except for #10. Women who want marriage & kids may have that as a priority but still need to find the right guy to fill the bill.