Ugh it’s that time of year again. The weather is getting colder, the snow is falling, and all of the hot girls are going snowboarding. When did this happen? And why wasn’t I warned when I was younger that the best way to impress a girl was knowing how to carve it up on the slopes? (Is that even a saying? “Carve it up.” See, this is the shit I need to know!) Here I am just trying to keep a job, stay in shape and not get an STD, but I have no idea how to skid down a snowy hill on a wheel-less skateboard, so I am stuck, feeling really left out.
|"I'm getting laid tonight, bra."|
I have only been to the snow once. I don’t mix well with nature. One time in college I went “camping” and I ended up sleeping in the car eating Arby’s. (Note to future campers: When there’s no bathroom around, do not eat Arby’s.) My trip to the snow was so long ago that snowboarding wasn’t even invented yet. All we did was ski, which nowadays is considered lame. It’s the “missionary position” of snow sports—everyone does it when they're first starting out and when they do it now odds are they’re not impressing anybody.
And don’t get me started on hiking. I’ve been on record as saying, “The only people who like hiking are girls (and guys who want to sleep with girls who like hiking).” Why would a guy want to walk through a dirt trail up a hill in the heat? How is that fun? It can’t be for the workout because if that were the case the guy would just rather play sports or go to the gym. I can only assume they just want to update their Foursquare to say “Runyon Canyon” so girls will quiver, “OMG, according to US Weekly Justin Timberlake was there last Thursday!”"
|She left him for a guy who snowboards.|
The same reason I don't snowboard now is the same reason I never got into video games. I never had a system other than Nintendo NES, so while everyone else was conquering Sega or Nintendo 64, I was still running through the sewers trying to save that ungrateful princess. Sure I could have gotten one of the better systems to try and improve, but at some point it was just too late. I would never be as good as my friends who had been playing them for years. Same logic applies to snowboarding. I don’t want to come back to the cabin and listen to everyone else reminisce about their awesome day on the mountain while I can only brag, “I made it down the hill without falling. Once.”
Thankfully, I am finally realizing this is a completely demented way to look at life and I should step out of my comfort zone and just go for it. At the very best I pick up the skill quickly and have an amazing time and at the very worst I die. That's a risk I'm prepared to take. This season is finally going to be the year I try snowboarding. It’s time to break out of the bubble. It’s time to lose the safety net. I don’t want to be that guy eating Arby’s in the car. I don’t want to be that guy playing Mario Bros. while everyone else is sniping each other on GoldenEye. It’s a new and improved Todd. Willing to take chances and try new things. Just don’t expect to see me at Runyon Canyon with JT.
|Yeah, he looks like|
he's having a blast!