Monday, November 15, 2010

Chew On This

Some people in life are more adventurous and risk taking than others. They go skydiving, they climb Mt. Everest, or they don’t use a condom with a prostitute. I am not one of these people.

But while I could possibly be coaxed into trying some of these things, there’s one area of my life that people are always trying to change about me and it really needs to stop: I’m not an adventurous eater and I don’t like when others try and force me to eat new foods…

“You want to try my lamb?” my date asked, referring to the slab of bloody meat on her plate at the Indian Restaurant she made me go to.

“No thanks. It’s too chewy. I don’t know how people eat it.” Actually, I don’t know how people eat anything that used to be cute. I stick to ugly animals like cows, chickens, pigs, and whatever hot dogs are made out of. 

What kind of a person looks at this and thinks:
"Mmm delicious!"
"They have to eat something. They have a food shortage and there’s like 200 million people starving in India," she lectured, channeling her inner-Wikipedia and staring at me with a face that was 50% shock and 50% disgust.

"Of course there are. I wouldn't be eating if I lived there either. The real shock is that they don’t have a toilet paper shortage." Now her face was 100% disgust. 

I'd had this same conversation countless times before: I'm on a date, at a party, or just talking with friends and I reveal the apparently horrific fact that I’m a picky eater. Their extreme anger implies they actually invented tomatoes, pumpkin, salmon, apple pie, mushrooms, raisins, mint ice cream or any of the other popular foods that I don't eat. I've tried them all before, and I don't like them.

When it came to eating curry, Ghandi took the easy way out.
I get the most criticism for my particular eating habits when it comes to seafood. This is mostly due to the fact that I haven't given the majority of it a try. While I've never eaten lobster, crab, mussels, clams or scallops, I don't need to in order to tell you that I don't like them. Evolution gave me multiple senses but there’s no reason to use all five of them to make a healthy decision. Maybe some seafood dishes look good, but I’ve been taught not to judge a book by its cover. And the same applies to food. Even though some of it may appear appetizing, I can smell seafood and I can touch seafood, and neither gives me a pleasant sensation. So why would I have to taste it to make my final decision?

If I walk past a dog turd on my front lawn I can tell from just smell and touch that it's the real deal and not one of those plastic prank toys from Aahs! It would be silly to think I have to eat some of it to know for sure. Same logic applies for your seafood Paella. So please, stop trying to make me eat it.


  1. Your logic about eating cute animals is dumb

  2. I think that was supposed to be a joke

  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  4. What about when you finally tried albacore sushi? Are you telling me that it didn't change your life for the better? My rule is, I have to throw-up on 2 separate occassions before I decide I don't like a certain food (i.e. scallops).

  5. Sushi date with you minus the salmon ;) I bet you wouldn't complain about dessert thats if you like a little asian /latin fusion ;)