Friday, October 22, 2010

Homeless Halloween!

This Halloween I think I’m going to dress up as a homeless guy. Now, I know that seems a little tasteless, even for me. But hear me out…

With the most important holiday of the year upon us, I’m realizing I may have made a very big mistake 2 years ago when I moved out of my last apartment. Back in college, I worked for my university’s local TV show Nightcap. The show featured lots of stupid “characters” ala Conan’s Masturbating Bear, and when forced to come up with a new one, a writer on the show donated her full body reindeer costume to the show. I was lucky enough to don the suit for a couple episodes before the character was retired, never to be heard from again. Until the next Halloween, that is.

For the next 5 years, I wore the reindeer costume to every Halloween party I went to. We went through a lot together: spilled Jager shots, stumbling through bushes on a walk home, or passing out in the middle of the dance floor, my head comfortably resting inside the large, overstuffed head, and my body remaining warm inside the soft, furry suit. The reindeer took care of me. Unfortunately, with all of my Halloween drunken misadventures, I didn’t take care of him.

Glory Days
After over half a decade of having the best costume at every party I was at, the reindeer suit was a mess. Stained with alcohol, smeared with dirt, and soaked with sweat, the suit had to go. I was moving out of my apartment, looking for any excuse to toss useless items in the trash rather than pack them away into the crowded Uhaul.  And the reindeer was an unlucky casualty. However, a few days later-- trash day to be exact-- I woke up at my new apartment in a panic. How could I have thrown this suit away? What an idiot! So I rushed over to my old place and looked in the trash bin, but the suit was nowhere to be found. I was too late.

Pathetic on so many levels...
Now, after suffering the embarrassment of being a soccer player last year (could I have been more lame?), I’m on a mission to find a hilarious, original, and comfortable to sleep in costume for this Halloween. But costumes for guys are horrible. With no reindeer suit, a holiday that used to be my favorite by a long shot (followed by my birthday and any holiday that gets me out of work) is now more of a stressful pain in the ass than anything else.

We all know that Halloween for females is just an awesome excuse to unleash their inner skank. And that’s the way it should be. But guys have an additional option. We can try and be equally sexy or we can go the funny route. Now I meet plenty of girls who say they find a sense of humor “sexy.” Everybody knows that’s bullshit. Nobody wants to go home with the guy in the hilarious Brett Favre costume (complete with shoulder pads and a cell phone with pictures of a penis on it). They want to go home with the guy dressed up like “The Situation,” aka a tan, buff guy with no shirt on. Girls who say they like “funny” guys are just using that as an excuse to date rich guys. That way when their friends ask, “Why are you dating Chaz? He’s 45 and ugly,” they can respond, “Because he’s funny,” when actually Chaz is just ridiculously rich (probably because he made a fortune by knowingly offering faulty loans to people who didn’t speak English and now those people are being evicted while he’s driving around in a Mercedes with a license plate that reads “GRACIAS”).

Can I buy you a drink?

I don’t have the body nor the mind to go for the sexy outfit. But when you Google “funny Halloween costumes” the results are disappointing. No, I don’t want to be Super Mario. No, I don’t want to be Jack Sparrow. No, I don’t want to be the Magic Mountain Dancing guy. Okay, maybe a little. But even he is more creepy than funny. 

You can always get clever and put together your own outfit from scratch, like Antoine Dodson (of “Bed Intruder” fame), Justin Bieber, or even Dora the Explorer. But I don’t have time to do that and even if I did, I’m sure there would be 10 other people at the party with the same outfit. Nothing will ever be as unique and awesome as my reindeer costume.

And that is why I am dressing up like a homeless guy this Halloween. Here’s the thing. I know that I beat the trash man to the bin that morning 2 years ago. Someone must have taken the suit out before I got there. And logically, it was probably a homeless guy just hoping it would keep him warm for the winter, only to realize he had discovered the best Halloween costume of all time. And if he thinks it’s cool to steal my outfit, well I see no problem with me stealing his. And maybe, just maybe, if fate is on my side once again and I happen to run into him, he’ll want to switch back. Either way, I’m not going to be a fucking soccer player again.



  1. Gracias, Todd, gracias.

  2. I agree! The soccer player was the worst costume ever. The combination of that and me as your wing man left you very lonely that night. Once again, I'm sorry. You should be a homeless guy for Halloween. I've 'tested' this out before, and with all honesty, it was the best day of my life!!!!! Any girl that leaves the bar with a homeless guy, will be more than pleased to wake up the next morning on an air mattress. I can't wait for Halloween!!!

  3. I would rather lay a guy dress as brett farve with penis pics on his cell than a hobo.

  4. Awww man! I was totally looking forward to partying with the Biebs this year. That will be my goal this Halloween - to find the Biebs and to take a picture with him.

    Homeless Todd will be just as good. =) You should put powder all over your lips so you look like a homeless coke addict. Just make sure no one goes up to you while you're wearing your costume and ask why you didn't dress up.

  5. In retrospect dressing like an Indian in college and at the Hauser party did help me score chicks. I should just be an indian...

  6. the soccer player costume might have been more successful had you called yourself david beckham. then chicks would bang you so that they could say they banged david beckham last halloween.