Friday, October 15, 2010


Many will have you believe that Global Warming is the biggest threat to our next generation. I beg to differ. If one takes a close look at today’s youth, it’s clear that the real problem is their fashion. Mainly with the females. Short skirts. Low tops. Tons of make up. And don’t get me started on the “fuck me” boots. All completely acceptable, if not encouraged, once you reach a certain age, but in high school? Not so much.

I was driving back to work after lunch and passed a high school that was just getting out. Some kids were hopping into their father’s car. Some kids were going to go buy candy from the sex offender in the ice cream truck. And one group of girls walked across the street towards an undetermined location. But if I had to guess from their clothes, they were working the afternoon shift at a strip club.
With high schoolers dressing like this, pedophiles
are going to start pulling a "Billy Madison" 

Since when do 14-year old girls dress like this? And who are their parents that they allow it? Don’t get me wrong, if I was in high school I would love every glimpse of cleavage, butt cheek and areola I could get. But now it just makes me feel weird. It’s very deceiving. There I was slowly passing the group of girls, rolling down my window, preparing to shout out “What’s up ladies?!” followed by my signature two fingered whistle. And yet instead of releasing my inner Mexican construction worker, I noticed the scantily clad pedestrians were walking down the street-- rather than driving-- because they were too young to have a license. I immediately rolled up my window, took off my fake mustache, and sped off, hoping Chris Hanson wasn’t going to jump out of the bushes and stop my car.

Admittedly, I didn’t get laid much in high school. In fact, I didn’t get laid at all. I thought a vagina was a couple inches below the belly button and looked like a mix between an un-mowed golf hole and a toothless mouth. Little did I know, it’s much weirder looking than that. I remember, there was one girl who dressed shall we say, “ahead of her time” and she was a distraction. Not as much to me as to the teachers. We had history class together and the teacher, Mr. Daly, would always teach his lesson sitting next to the overhead projector. Why he couldn’t stand, I’ll leave up to you to figure out.
My high school girlfriend. Wasn't she a hottie?

Now, the last guy I want to be is the “Back in my day things used to be so much simpler” guy, but I like the fact that I can look back at my high school days and know that the only thing I was putting my fingers inside of was a bowling ball. Kids have enough to worry about as it is. Do the boys really need the pressure of mastering their “I wasn’t looking at your cleavage” eye shifts? I can barely pull that off now. And do the girls really need the pressure of dressing like their P.E. class is titled “Pole Dancing?” I mean at this point, as soon as a female student walks into her meeting with a Career Counselor, the counselor just declares, “Prostitute!,” stamps the seal of approval on her lower back, and calls in the next student.

By no means am I a prude. And while many may read this and think I am just being mean or critical of innocent girls, that couldn’t be further from the truth. If anything, I am trying to protect them. The few girls I knew in high school who dressed like that dated “college” guys. It was fucking creepy. Especially because by “college” they meant community college and they were actually 32. When I was in college I had my experiences. But all the girls were my peers. And it’s college. It’s what you were supposed to be doing. If my son does what I did in college, I’ll give him a high five. If my daughter does it when she's in high school, I’ll lock her in her room until she hits menopause.

Call it a double standard, but guys aren’t the one’s who get pregnant. Guys aren’t the one’s who already face a tough time moving up and getting respect in the professional world. Guys aren’t the one’s who have the pressure to look like the hottest celebrities. Girls look at magazines and music videos and think they have to look like pre-psycho Lindsay Lohan or pre-donuts Britney Spears. The most popular male celebrity is Justin Bieber, and even HE is prettier than most girls. It’s just not fair to the females. 

Would you want the pressure
of living up to THIS?

One of these days they’ll realize that less is more. Not less clothes, less skin. If a guy is going to see your genitals it should take more than a strong breeze and if he’s going to see your boobs he should know how to snap off a bra, not just tear down a tube top. If you start dressing like that in high school, how will you step up your game in college, where it’s completely necessary and appropriate to get a little slutty? High Schoolers, you don’t need to be a loser like I was, but you should have some self-respect. So buy some jeans, a nice blouse, and some regular heels. High school boys walk around with unstoppable boners as it is, you don’t need to be sexy to get their attention. You just have to have a golf hole right below your belly button. Thank you.

Okay, now I just have to solve Global Warming...


  1. Back in my day... girls had the decency to change back into appropriate attire before leaving school so they didn't get caught.
    Not that I had to do it. Us nerds were more concerned with getting through Great Expectations than our cleavage....


  2. A very funny and sincere social commentary :)

  3. Very funny! But you definitely have a perception problem. You need to give up the bowling league and get out a little more. First, the four young ladies featured above are hot. Second, they were not 14 year olds you saw, but teachers who are environmentally wise and don't drive to work, but use public transit. Third, stop cruising high schools during yor lunch break.
    And finally, I didn't get laid either while you were in high school and I was married the whole time.