Friday, October 8, 2010

Crazy, Hot Girls

In the last couple days, the topic of the “crazy, hot girl” has come up a few times. Being a resident of Los Angeles, a survivor of an Internet dating site, and a man with a proclivity for pretty girls, I have had my share of experiences with some of the wild women of the world. Some I have merely hooked up with, some I have casually dated, and some I have fallen in love with. But all have led to my current life status: single and scared.

Relaying crazy stories-- of the girl who told me she was pregnant when she actually wasn’t OR the cyber genius who hacked my e-mail and Facebook accounts and questioned me about their contents OR the first date who told me she had a gun and would kill me if I screwed her over OR WORSE the volatile vixen who told me she would kill herself if I didn’t spend the evening hanging out with her OR the girlfriend who insisted on knowing where I was and who I was with (and if she was pretty) 24 hours a day --isn’t really the inspiration of this post. Surely they are good for a laugh or two, but in the end they are just sad.

"It's YOURS! Trust me...
To me, the more intriguing topic is the question of why there are so many unstable, beautiful women out there, scaring us innocent young men into their bedrooms and out of their hearts. In analyzing these insane hotties, one must first question the “facts” in order to make sure they aren’t simply stereotype or generalization. I can attest from my aforementioned experience that there are plenty of insane and attractive ladies out there, but could the reality be that all women are equally crazy, whether they are hot or not?

I don’t have much experience with unattractive ladies. Sure there have been drunken make outs at bars or clubs with below average girls, but the interaction never went any further than that (Other than me finding them on Facebook the next day to remind myself of what they looked like. And yes, some things are better off forgotten). So the only evidence I have that would lead me to believe these less-than-beautiful ladies are crazy is that they were making out with someone like me. I didn’t talk with any of them long enough to evaluate their sanity. The point is that we know an attractive girl has a tendency for craziness only because we took the time to get to know her and learn the dark truth of her brain. An unattractive girl could be just as nuts, but she dates fewer men and garners less attention so fewer people discover her potential madness. So is it really that pretty girls are crazier than unattractive one’s, or just that the ugly girl at the end of the bar is actually this generation’s Hannibal Lecter, but we’ll never know or care because we’re too busy trying to bang her hot friend?
"But I'm beautiful on the INSIDE."
While it’s conceivable that the ratio of crazy unattractive women to crazy attractive women is equal, my experience with human beings tells me it’s not. In general, humans want to fulfill their potential in the two main walks of life: career and relationships. If they don’t, it’s simply out of guilt of fear. Some people feel guilty for success because so many others are suffering in the world or maybe they grew up underprivileged and feel guilty about losing their roots. And some people fear going after their desired goal because they are afraid to take a chance and risk being rejected. For everyone else, they will go after and take whatever they can get 100% of the time. This is why I laugh when I hear about peoples’ shock over Tiger Woods’ infidelity. A good-looking male celebrity athlete worth a half billion dollars who travels all over the world for a living isn’t cheating on his wife? Really? Of course he is. Because he can. If we can do something, and we want to do it, we do it.

Hot girls are no exception. They are crazy because they can be. With no repercussions. They’ll still attract tons of guys despite being unrepentantly unstable. An unattractive girl doesn’t have this luxury. She can’t go around accusing guys of getting her pregnant or threatening to kill them. She has to learn skills to keep her man (like cooking or anal). Every human being has the ability to be crazy. We’re just animals after all. It’s not our fault. But we also have the ability to control-- or at least conceal-- our insanity when we have to or when we want to.  Hot women never have to pull back the crazy because guys don’t care. For a while. Then crazy hot girl pushes the limits and tests her man to see what she can get away with and inevitably he gets scared off, only to jump to a new woman whose crazy is only a moment away.

And this is where my big issue comes up. Humans are creatures of habit. We like eating at the same places, spending time with the same friends, and falling asleep in the safety of our usual beds. We develop these normal routines and, even if we don’t realize it, we stick to them, whenever possible, usually for the rest of our lives. The same tendency for repetition applies to our crazy behavior. We get used to being a certain way and we don’t want to change. Or if we do want to, we find it difficult to achieve. Hot crazy women will always be crazy. That shit starts early on. By the time she gets to you, whether it’s at 16 or 61, her habits are so deeply ingrained in her mind that there’s no turning back. And on the other side of the coin, the men who date these women also develop dating habits that are hard, if not impossible, to break. Someone like me who has dated his share of wild women can now never get used to someone who is just normal. And someone who is just normal could never get used to me. Going from the bed of a crazy hot girl to dating a normal, sweet young lady with no issues is like a soldier coming back from war to hang out with his buddies on the golf course. We both get PTSD. But for me it’s Post Traumatic Sex Disorder.

To this day, if I am dating someone, I don’t like talking on the phone because I am scarred with the memory of someone demanding to know where I am and who I am with even if the innocent answers are “on my couch” and “Ben & Jerry.” I don’t like people using my cell phone or laptop because I am paranoid that they are going to look at my texts or read my browser history (I’ll save you the time, I look at ESPN and porn).  I worry if I ever break someone’s heart or let them down they’ll threaten suicide or murder (or worse: pregnancy). With all of that said, my biggest fear in relationships is boredom. I’ve been trained to deal with the crazies. I’ve built up a tolerance and I can usually figure them out after a while. It just takes patience and the ability to bite my judgmental tongue. But the uninspiring nature of normalcy is one thing I have never been able to deal with.

Dating a crazy girl is playing with fire...
Lucky for them, some of us like to be hot.
While certain types of insanity are unacceptable, there’s an army of guys out there who have suffered and smiled through years of training in order to combat the evil and enjoyable villain that is the crazy hot girl. I personally won’t date an e-mail hacker or a baby faker or a phone stalker ever again. But some guy out there will. And just as they will find each other, I’ll find someone out there who’s weird and crazy in a way I can’t cure, but I can comprehend. And maybe, if I’m lucky, she can understand my insanity, too.   


  1. oh Todd, that was entertaining shit

  2. Girls are crazy. Period. I can give you TONS of examples, but I don't want you blabbing this on to Michael. I'll let him find this out for himself. Uhh, just joking.
    But hey, guys are just as crazy, if not crazier. Women are just more emotional than you men, so we seem crazier than we really are.